Tag Archives: get involved

Damn it Mr. Williams

Fox at Kieren's Erotica Slam 2014 Photo credit: Allison Broeren
Fox at Kieren’s Erotica Slam 2014 Photo credit: Allison Broeren

Well, I’ve never broken down in tears on stage, but this one hit me hard right in the middle.This is a departure from my usual work, but, it’s something that I think needs to be said.  I said sometimes it seems like having the soul of a poet is like having an open wound.  I just feel things, very deep, so deep that when I try to shake it, it rattles around, but won’t get out of my head until I write it or perform it…and even then.. it isn’t always exorcised.

 

 

Damn it Mr. Williams

 

Damn it Mr. Williams

 

Why the fuck.

 

Why don’t we cry for a person

When they’re still alive?

Why when they’re hurt,

Can’t we do more than make a face

and say ‘I sympathize’

 

 

Why doesn’t another person’s pain touch us until they’re gone?

 

Why can’t take away another person’s pain at all?

 

And why are people with such a depth of empathy, the tenderest caring souls who let the world truly touch them,

treated as though they’ve lost their minds,

Even before they lose their minds.

 

The end of life is death,

and death should make the story arc complete,

but sometimes,

it doesn’t.

it feels as if when a person commits suicide their lives become a book with the last chapters torn out.

 

Damn it Mr. Williams, Damn it Ms. Monroe,

Damn it Hemmingway and Mr. Conaway and Gray

and Thompson, Plath, Hutchence, and Woolfe and Cobain

And Van Gogh

And everyone who ever killed themselves,

because, there was more story

 

And Damn it Justin

And Damn it my cousin

And Damn it my friend in high school

 

And I can’t judge

 

Damn it Me

 

I considered it too, so many times,

Stood right at the edge and looked down,

It looks so easy on TV

 

But it’s not

It’s hard to override the body’s overwhelming need to self preserve

When a person truncates their own fate, it has taken every last part of them to fight for that break.

 

I’ve driven blind,

and sped through bottles of pills,

 

never really attempting

still challenging death to take me

but I’m not hers yet.

 

I took the fear and the queasy chest

The endorphin high of pushing too far too fast as evidence that even though death was standing so very near,

That the fear was in some way,

a desire to live.

 

When you’re dead, you can’t change anyone’s mind anymore

And you can’t change you’re own ever again either.

 

If the one constant of existence is change

Even when the possibility of change doesn’t matter to me anymore,

I know objectively that will change too

 

Some suicides are selfish,

they don’t think about anyone else’s harm

 

But some care too much

Because an open heart

can be an open vein gushing empathy and love

 

The church has it wrong

these will be saints too

Because saints, are people who give everything

Giving so much, but not knowing how to accept the same gifts in return

Is suffering

 

Damn it Mr. Williams,

Damn it Robin, can I call you Robin?

and damn them whoever they are

The people or molecules in your brain, who pushed you to break and not bend.

Damn it

I wish you had just one more change of mind, one more chapter.

 

You were author to a book,

No one but the writer wanted to end.

 

 

 

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The Ice bucket challenge and my mother

When I did my ice bucket challenge video I opened up my pants to reveal my Batman boxers.

I am Batman
I am Batman

Because everyone knows super heroes wear their costumes under their street clothes,

My Mom’s response in the comments:

“Is this porn? or stripping? In which case, you should be making money not supporting other’s causes. No, I’m not putting you down, I love it. I’ll bring some ice water for your triathlon on Sunday. …Mom

Oh Mom:

There was a time when I was skinny as a post and you thought I was fat,

You had a breast reduction when you were older but chided me for my chest being flat,

When I came out to you and you said Satan had possessed my soul,

And now you are saying you love that I may work wrapped around a pole?

Update: My mom gave me a check to send on to WARONALS.COM! I did another challenge to bring attention to War on ALS because I am a triathlete and I learned about Jon “Blazeman” Blais in 2005. He was diagnosed with ALS in May of ’05, finished the Hawaii Ironman in September of ’05. Unable to comet any longer, he was in Hawaii to cheer on a competitor named Brian Breen in ’06 and by ’07, Jon had passed on. So this challenge is to support War on ALS, the foundation set up in his honor.

I also challenged on Allison Moon, Sierra, and Patricia Tallman

On another note, I’ve gotten in a couple tangles with people about the ice bucket challenge wasting water…

Seriously, every one knows damn well there is no link between people without clean water and this challenge. It’s not drying out aquifers, or shutting off water to homes in Detroit, or draining reservoirs, but here: http://www.detroitwaterbrigade
or 100+ ways to conserve water Those links will get people started on a path to real water conservation efforts, rather than going online and poking at people who are just trying to do some good.

Visible Bodies

Yesterday I did a photo shoot for A project called Visible Bodies: Transgender Narratives Retold
It is a community project with the goal to ’empower trans people and educate cis gender people’. Some of you know, I haven’t always been comfortable with my gender identity. For a long time I felt I was expected to pick one and go all in, but neither gender fits me very well. Over time I learned that I don’t hate my body, I just hate the role in society that was expected of it. Because of projects like Visible Bodies where trans people can use their own voices and speak their truths, I’ve realized that the difficulty doesn’t lay within me, that the culture itself needs to be reshaped to serve all humanity, including myself, and that made all the difference. With Visible Bodies I can give back and add my voice as a gender queer performer telling my story too. Everyone’s story is unique, and it can not be over stated how much speaking out and being heard as trans, breaking that barrier of invisibility, can heal and strengthen a broken soul, and change the hearts of others.

If you identify as trans, visit their website. If you want to financially help with this project (every $ helps!) so more people can be heard, here is the link to the indiegogo fundraiser.

There are volunteer opportunities too!

Keep your eyes on my FB And Twitter feeds and ‘like’ their FB page for more updates. This is going to be an amazing project!